The Company She Keeps...

She called it leading a colourful social life. Her parents and the doctors called it Schizophrenia.

Plastic Fantastic

Not the boobs! Please not the boobs! I've just had them done! Rather take my head off!

The Joke...

When he looked back at his years working in the factory that made wallpaper out of old letters to sell in overpriced decor stores, he still felt hurt and confused as to why his colleagues always suggested a game of hide and seek at 5pm on Friday afternoons, only to all leave the building before he'd even gotten to "nine Mississippi..." It wasn't very funny.

Trans...vest-tight?

Guy dressed up as one of the Village People: Ahoy! Oh good, so glad you got the memo!

Guy dressed up as John Travolta in the Saturday Night Fever years: Ahoy! What memo?

Guy dressed up as one of the Village People: The "Cheezy Disco Dress Up"...oh! Never mind.

Guy dressed up as John Travolta in the Saturday Night Fever years: What? I thought the invite said "formal?"

Guy dressed up as one of the Village People:...so you came in a skin tight black jumpsuit?

Guy dressed up as John Travolta in the Saturday Night Fever years: What's wrong with that? Do you know nothing? Jumpsuits are so making a come back.

Guy dressed up as one of the Village People: Amongst Tyra Banks and the female cast of the remake of 90210, maybe. But not beyond that misguided clique.

Guy dressed up as John Travolta in the Saturday Night Fever years: Well, can I come on board or not? I have a hat. And a whip.

Guy dressed up as one of the Village People: Snap! Matching whips! Okay, but only because we're an "A" short for our "YMCA" number.

All men found Letia alluring...

Even her husband. Which was surprising, considering he was a raging homosexual.

Don't Tell Alfred...

...that I forgot to put my pants on this morning so I had to crop this photo before sending it to him.

I was a dancer...

Now I'm just an akwardly positioned shop maniquin.

Improve your cricket...

The batsman wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit him.

Henry's new hat...

Is it a sausage? Is it a pillow? Henry asked himself as he poked it tentatively with his tiny dagger. He wasn't sure but it was on sale and it came with a free mug of beer. Besides, everyone said red suited his skin tone.

All in a days work...

He carefully read and re-read the memo that HR had sent around. It said office furniture was not to be removed from the building under any circumstances. But it definitely didn't say anything about screws, nuts and bolts. Well that was lucky then.

Lost Decades...

She gave him the silent treatment for a whole week when he lost the housekeys. He shuddered to think how she would react when he told her about the decades. It was going to be a quiet festive season.

If Covers Could Talk Goes on Holiday....

Adios amigos! Covers is reading it up on a beach for a week.

Kill now, pay later...

No one can accuse gangsters of unfair payment terms.

Is honesty the best policy?

If I loved you, I would tell you this... I have a very long tape worm inside of me. It may be contageous. But seeing as I don't love you, I'm gonna keep it to myself and hope for the best.

A promise is a promise...

Whatever it takes...to get Grandpappy to pay for the family trip to McDonalds. Even if it means picking him up out of his rocking chair and carrying him there.

To PDA or not to PDA...

OMG! I'm stoned not deaf! Kiss quietly or get a room would you!

Designer's Block...

It was his last, last chance...to try and get the cut n paste bits to match up.

Phallic Friday...

They might not have backbones... but they certainly don't seem to be competely bone free.

The last man on the mountain...

He must have been hallucinating because he was fairly certain he could see three other people just ahead of him. Perhaps they were women. That would explain it

Bird's eye view...

Sure, it was quite nippy out, even spies feel the cold, and yes, that was one reason he'd decided to come in. But if he was honest it was mainly because of the birds. He had a thing about birds.

Shop til you drop...

Nothing bad ever happens in Tiffany’s. Except for that one time the lower half of a female corpse was found in the earrings and pendants section.

Flakey relationship...

She asked for the key to his heart. He gave her the keys to all his ex-girlfriend's appartments. He thought it was funny. Turns out he was wrong.

Monday Foreign Fun....

Honey, is that a teeny tiny gun in your hand, or are you just not that excited to see me?

The line between Awesome and Arse is a fine one...

Photographer: Right, so everyone look natural. On the count of three. One, two…

Blonde: Quick question. I’m thinking, maybe I should use my hands? If you’re looking for awesome, look no further than my hands.

Photographer: You’re good. Put your hands away. Just look natural, ok.

Blonde: How about I do this? This kind of rolling action where I put one hand slightly above the other? With the left one casually pointing a finger gun? The universal code for “I understand.” Am I right?

Photographer: That’s exactly what I had in mind when I said look natural.

Blonde: Really?

Photographer: No. Put the hands away. I’m serious. Right, lets wrap this up…

Blonde: Hands have the power to hurt and heal. I want to show how mine
are here for healing. That’s awesome. I will never understand how people would choose to use them to hurt…

Photographer: I’m starting to understand. Ready everyone? Smile on one, two…

Blonde: Woah! Smile? Smiling is cool. But this is about being awesome, right? How about I half open my mouth like this? Like I’m about to impart some awesome wisdom to my peers?

Photographer: (Tearing out his hair). Fabulous. Awesome.

Blonde: Easy on the eyes huh? That’s what I’m talking about!

Photographer: (Gouging out his own eyes) Everyone say CHEESE!

Blonde: Cheese? How about we say an affirming word like, “Success!” Or “Aspiration!” Or…

Photographer: (Throwing himself in front of a moving vehicle) AAARRRRGGGHHHhhhhhhhhhh…………

Friday Celeb Lookalike...

What do Martin Amis and Amy Winehouse have in common? Money, apparently.

Bored Stiff...

He double checked. She definitely had no pulse. Oh shit. Previous dates had told him he wasn’t such a great conversationalist, but this was the first time he had actually bored someone to death.

The artist had been painting for three days now...

And she hasn’t heard a single rustle from the cage. She didn’t know what he’d done to her parakeet to keep it so still. She was afraid to look.

That don't impress me much...

Finally she had found a use for his hideous cowboy boots which didn't involve him singing Shania Twain in seedy karaoke bars.

She had double checked and it wasn't her...

But someone nearby had definitely trodden in dog poo.

Monday Foreign Fun....

Strangely enough it wasn’t his Michael Jackson gloves which made her snap. It was his insistence that they play Tarzan and Jane. Again. The ivy bodysuit had itched it's last.

Friday Celeb Lookalike...

Of Mice and Men... Staring one of the Hairy Bikers.

Parenting 101...

"Mommy! Mommy! Daddy's on fire!"

"Shut up and pass the marshmallows."

1001 Arabian Nights...

Come back here you good for nothing genie...I said I want to look like Brian McFadden...Not that guy from Aladdin.

Rubadubdub...

The Candlestick Maker had had enough of the Butcher and the Baker's childish Cluedo jokes.

Rugger Bugger...

He clung on for dear life, pretending he hadn't heard the whistle. He had been waiting for this moment for so long... nothing was going to take it from him.

Woah Boy....

She'd suspected for some time that his monthly mountain retreats involved more than just quiet meditation. But what really disturbed her was that she couldn't be bothered to confront him about it. She didn't want to lose her one weekend a month where she could watch Gilmore Girls instead of Brokeback Mountain.

Mansfield Lark....

Fanny Price had kept her flower under lock and key for long enough now. It was time to let lose. It was time for reckless abandon.

No one knew better...

...than Lord Sebastian Flyte just how difficult it was to get a head in this game.

Watt the hell...

Luggage: Check
Passport: Check
Tickets: Check
Extension cord: Check.

The Traveling Light was ready to hit the road.

Friday Celeb Lookalike...

It's a Brave New World...Staring Katy Perry. Wrapped in candy floss (of course).

Seeing red...

Hitler: I said I’m not going.

Shadowy Figure: But Sir, it is in your honour.

Hitler: I don’t care. I can’t leave the house. Have you seen the size of this pimple? It’s bigger than the last country I occupied. No, I won’t go.

Shadowy Figure: But who will judge the Sauerkraut competition?

Hitler: Don’t know.

Shadowy Figure: What about all that Wiener Schnitzel? It won’t just eat itself you know.

Hitler: Don’t care.

Shadowy Figure: Did I mention David Hasselhoff is going to be there?

Hitler: AARRRG! No you did NOT mention that. What to do! WHAT TO DO!

Shadowy Figure: What if you pulled your hat down a bit further Fuhrer?

Hitler: Do you THINK I hadn’t THOUGHT of that? It WON’T GO any further you moron!

Shadowy Figure: Um, I guess too late to grow sideburns to hide it. Hmm… balaclava?

Hitler: MORON! And hide my moustache? Who are you, you MORON!

Shadowy Figure: And…if we cut a little hole for the moustache?

Hitler: Little? LITTLE???

Shadowy Figure: Big and impressive! What if we cut a big and impressive hole for your big and impressive moustache?

Hitler: I guess it could be done. Right. We’re in business. Get me a balaclava. And hurry. I heard Hasselhoff leaves at 2:00 sharp. I’ll kill you if we miss him.

A bird overheard...

The small penguin ignored the pain in his neck. He feared his life was in danger and he couldn’t look away. He would never, ever forgive the publishers for not printing him and the eagle to scale. At least then he would have stood a fighting chance.

It's called irony...

Get it?

Tape Two...

Miranda saw her subordinates gaze drift downwards. Then their mouths fell open. Damn. It must be back. She knew all slimming tablets had side effects but this was ridiculous. Luckily she was excellent at worming her way out of awkward situations.

I'll be honest Benjamin....

I think this whole "pretending to be a baby" fetish is more than curious. I'd say "borderline disturbing" is closer to the truth.

The Hardly Boys...

Frank: Ok, I think it’s time for a plan B.

Joe: Great. Let’s hear it.

Frank: Um, It’s so your turn to come up with a plan B.

Joe: Since when? Do I seriously have to do everything around here?

Frank: Everything? What? Besides posing with Jazz hands against that tree, what else have you done of note lately?

Joe: I came up with our casual-yet-stylish-yet-matching-yet-not-matching look. So….Booya. It’s your turn to have a good idea.

Frank: Since when is wearing a RED jersey when our very lives could depend on not being spotted a good idea? Since WHEN?

Joe: Donno. That’s why I’m wearing the blue one.

Frank: Look. Joe. If you spent half as much time thinking about the case at hand as you did parting your hair, I swear, we’d be in that tower and have our hands on the treasure by now.

Joe: Do you think my hair falls naturally like this? Do you? Maybe your follicles fall like that naturally, but mine don’t. Mine need a bit more persuasion. And if you ask me, it’s time well spent.

Frank: You know what would be time well spent? Investing in a real gun so I don’t have to hold my hand like this, I get cramp and we’re fooling no one.

Joe: Violence doesn’t solve anything Frank.

Frank: And Jazz hands do?

Joe: Finally. Finally we’re on the same page. I love you man.

Frank was starting to wish he'd chosen a more comfortable branch...

At the time he'd figured he'd only be there a few minutes. But turns out Joe wasn't that good at finding.

Are you there God?

It's me. Margaret's bra. Listen, she needs a bit of support at the moment. More than I can offer her. Do you think you could sort something out?

1984...

This time staring Gollum from Lord of the rings. Fixing a train. At night.

1984...

Staring the gimp from Pulp Fiction.